You don't always die from tobacco

"Over 8.5 million Americans live with tobacco-related illnesses."

Started again

Faced with a transitionary period, I started smoking again (RATHER regularly) since September 30th. But I've promised myself this is just temporary dissolution, and I am posting this brain scan to prove this point.

I've quit too many times now to NOT be able to quit. So I will quit again. This just can't go on.

(Why do I get the feeling of being a villain like the Joker or something - as if the non-smoker in me is one, haha!)

Current Status and Nicorette

I took this questionnaire kind of thing while I was at a clinic earlier today. It's based on those few puffs I continue taking randomly, so this is what my current status is like. Not bad. BUT.

You notice how it REALLY doesn't help someone who is quitting because of reasons like mine? I hate the addiction, and what Nicorette does is, it just gives me another avenue to continue being addicted to nicotine! I mean, fine, it's a decent product and it may actually help people quit smoking. But if this was really a social product rather than a for-profit one, their questionnaire (and other such publications) would also advise NOT shifting to Nicorette at all in certain cases.

For example, my score is 0 (zero) and if I take the Nicorette replacement therapy, even the one with the lowest dosage, I would end up consuming more nicotine than I already take, effectively reversing the process of quitting smoking. It is NOT advisable for me to use Nicorette. The least a corporation can do is be honest when trying to sell their product.

I wonder why there isn't any NGO that works on quitting smoking without any support from tobacco corporations or states/governments.

I guess there is a lot of money to be made from people's helpless addiction. Is that why?

Voidance

These days I feel empty; I feel purposeless; and I feel like there is never anything to look forward to any more. Can you give me a puff? I've quit, but I just miss the feeling. I'm not addicted any more - I promise!

At this point I am not completely certain what it is that I have quit, but whatever it was it had a compelling force on me. Without it, I'm left with multiple voids in my day - in my life. The voids occur mostly after meals, or late at night, while watching movies, hanging out with friends, while having drinks or playing poker.

Smokers, as I define them, are nicotine slaves, or addicts. (I think 'addict' is a rather gentle term, generally speaking.) I wouldn't call the occasional lighter a smoker. Hell, who says menthol cigarettes are real cigarettes? A real smoker doesn't smoke lights either. And if he does, it would be extremely stupid as (s)he would go through twice as many packs as he would have to smoke if (s)he smoked regulars. (And yes, they measure in packs, not sticks.) My point is, a smoker is one who 'smoke(s) a lot' and can't live if (s)he had to smoke any less. But of course, that is not entirely true.

All my life (basically the last 14 years since I started smoking) I have dealt with non-smokers who do not understand smokers or the act (of smoking). They don't understand the addiction. They don't understand the feeling. They could never understand it, try as I might've. I'm sure the feelings were mutual. But now I have to deal with a new kind of people. Their advice, opinions, and assertions are anything but homogenous.

They are smokers and non-smokers, and not to mention: the ex-smokers.

At the present juncture, I am not a smoker. Put up against how I defined a smoker above, I don't even compare. Those occasional puffs I take probably amount to somewhere between zero puffs a day to a maximum of four cigarettes in a week. On average, I like to believe it isn't more than two puffs a day. At the same time, I am not an ex-smoker either, since I still do take these occasional puffs. (Mind you, a 'puff' is a couple of drags based on my definition - enough for the smoke to reach your belly.)

I agree that a smoker can be defined as some one who smokes with some regularity. Indeed, I can feel it now. After dealing with some really annoying assertive smokers, I feel that my urge has returned. (Not to panic though, that doesn't mean the quit attempt is down the drain!)

What do I mean by 'assertive smokers'? Well, these are people I request the occasional puff from, but owing to perhaps some kind of jealousy at my will power, they refuse, challenging me to resist the urge. They are die-hard hypocritical. A smoker should be the best person to understand the smoker's urge - whether it is physical, psychological or habitual (and there aren't more than three kinds).

The problem with this urge-not-met situation is that the urge for one puff could result in me smoking down a whole cigarette by myself, or worse, buying an entire packet of cigarettes! (The latter scenario is more likely in more 'developed' countries where loose cigarettes are not sold.) This could take me back to being a smoker, as it happened in the past, more than two years ago, when I returned to smoking after having quit for more than two months.

I think the quitting process is really tricky and there is no one way to go about it. But one thing is certain - it has to be a desire to quit from within - not asserted. You can force any smoker to quit smoking but they can always return to it and the effort will be in vain. Instead, this is a desire that needs to be inbred.

Based on my own evaluation, I think my physical urge has been down to zero, although in the past few days I did have whole cigarettes one too many times and I feel this biological urge may have returned. I think it is very important for me to stray away from buying cigarettes completely, and to drink water whenever I feel the urge to smoke. A drag here and a puff there is something that shouldn't happen more than once in a day. It's a bodily craving that needs to die so it's best to reduce it rather than challenge it.

My habitual urge, I feel, is also down to zero, since there are always other things for me to do and I hardly find myself missing the un-empty hand while having a long debate with a friend. The only time I miss the cigarette in my hand is when I'm in the loo, and this point onwards, I will try to make a conscious effort to take a book with me when I have to take a dump, as I used to when I was a kid.

The psychological dependence on smoking has had the most effect on me. The numerous puffs I took in the past few weeks (that only increased dramatically in the past week when I stayed at Commonwealth and smoked perhaps 10!) are a consequence of my psychological dependence on smoking. Smoking never solves real-life problems. Smoking never makes me feel better or less nervous before, in or after a stressful situation. Smoking does not have to be a part of my persona. We can exist separately. These are things that will take me some time to embrace. I'm certain most smokers struggle with these, and thoughts such as these are the main reason why many successful quit-smoking attempts fail after some months or even some years. This is how I justify that one puff I take after three clean days, as it can help me refrain from returning to smoking a few weeks, months or years later.

I've come so far in my current quit-smoking attempt. It has been four weeks (less two days) since I bought my last pack of cigarettes. Even that I mostly gave away. I am still strong, with just some areas of weakness. It would be best for the assertive smokers to handle with care since this is a delicate bridge as I walk on to no-smoking-hood. Don't pull the bridge from under me. This is a genuine attempt on my part to quit smoking and your support is much appreciated.

(I am certain I will keep it to less than one-puff-a-day today onwards, but if it is about the money, I can pay you for the puffs I take in cigarette packs six months from now. What do you say?)

I like Marc Anthony's song playing in the background. Gives a different dimension to the slideshow...

Quitplan

It's day 7 and my craving right now is driving me insane. I know if I head down to 7-11 to buy a pack of cigarettes or tobacco, all that I went through in the past 7 days will be wasted. I want something sour instead. Something like tamarind (imli), or sour plum bubble tea (without the pearls). Or bharri bhindi (lady fingers filled with Pakistani spices). Or just SOMETHING. I licked a lemon but it didn't help. I want SOMETHING.

Quit Attempt #45645

Today is day four since I quit smoking. After two days, I had immense withdrawal symptoms, such as persistent coughing and chest pains, body ache, a mind-throbbing headache, loss of appetite and well, cravings of course. I felt like I was dying. I ended up having a fever and intense weakness - and those are terrible things to go through in the middle of the night in a foreign country when there is no one to look out for you.

A smoker buddy came over yesterday and I ended up buying a whole pack for him, stealing two cigarettes from it in the process. These two I shared with two people who spent some time with me in the past two days, puff by puff, to help stop me from going back to smoking (by being forced to buy a whole pack when I can just do with a loose cigarette to fight the urge).

I think my appetite just returned today as I had my fourth meal a while back.

Actually, most people would suggest (and rightly so) that I phrase it as "an attempt to quit smoking" (in the first line of this post) rather than "I quit smoking". When it has been nine years since you've been trying to quit, it's quite normal for people to be uber skeptical.

But it's nice to have a person or two who believes in you. *smiles*

Lies